The New Mayor of Chicago

CHICAGO - The competition for the seat being vacated by outgoing mayor Richard Daley was ended today after all but one of the field of candidates - including former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel, Sen. Carol Moseley Braun, Rep. Danny Davis, James Meeks and others - were effectively crushed by Henry Buttons. "I am the Mayor!" roared Henry as he not only snuffed his rivals, but also began a massive urban planning project on the Near North Side.  From inside her cage near his left paw, his press secretary announced that his first initiative will be focused on reducing what he considers an "unacceptably high" pigeon population, then released video of his proposed techniques.

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State and federal officials have already assembled teams to make initial forays into diplomatic efforts to secure cooperation with this nemesis who, it seems, makes both the outgoing Mayor and his father appear, by comparison, as playful kittens. "He looks like a freakin' rattlesnake about to strike," remarked Sec. of Defense Robert Gates, "and we need to make sure he stays on our side. Recent restraints imposed on the military budget by the economic downturn make it impossible to mobilize sufficient resources for a three-pronged war. Until we have some sort of exit strategy in Afghanistan and Iraq, we must not to muss his fur."

In other breaking news a giant rabbit was spotted off the coast of Massachusetts.